It’s 11pm and I should be in bed but it was one of those days. One of those days where I didn’t want to be around my children. Where I felt my energy being sucked from me through incessant want, want, want. Through tiresome behaviour from probably very tired children. Tired children who don’t want to go to bed because it’s school holidays so in their minds “it’s not time yet”. OH YES IT IS. So I cracked it…badly. Cracked it so much I nearly lost my voice. And then I’m left wondering “where the fuck am I going wrong?” “Why are my kids talking to me this way?” “Why can’t they just leave me alone?” Then “shit, am I ruining them for life?” “Will they totally just diss me when they’re teenagers and end up drug addicts because their mother didn’t hug them enough?”
Oh yeah, that less than useful, crappy self talk which gets you nowhere.
So at the moment I’m nowhere. But you know, these days are happening less and less – they may just be moments or an hour. But it was the whole day today and it was crap. Just crap.
I had to laugh a little though. Just as I was checking out ‘crap’ images, I got the blue screen of death and my computer died then rebooted. Oh, could that be a metaphor? I’m feeling crap now but tomorrow I’ll be refreshed?? Snort.
Thankfully WordPress automatically saves every minute otherwise I would have lost this crap post.