Last night I finally finished the Finding Your Direction eCourse I’ve mentioned previously. One of the exercises I did was create a montage of my personal manifesto (philosophy), taking into account my vision for the future. It was fun and creative but I found myself feeling increasingly uneasy as it’s definitely how I WANT to live but it’s not HOW I live all of the time now. The rational side of me says “well of course not, life gets in the way” but the irrational side of me says “you’re a big, fat, fucking fraud Beavan”. Ouch.
So, what do I mean? Well, one of the things I wrote was ‘be patient’. Excuse me? I am anything but patient when it comes to the boys’ bedtime and their procrastination – you know, every night. I’m anything but patient with the body corporate shenanigans going on at the moment. Late yesterday afternoon I decided to drive to the beach so I could take some photos and convinced Mitch to come with me. Well, he proceeded to jump in front of the camera when I was trying to take photos. Guess what? NOT PATIENT. So, do I take it off the manifesto or do I leave it on in the hope that I can be more patient – something to aim for? Will I be able to achieve this? Are you impatient with those you love the most because you (think) you can be? Am I being unrealistic to think I’ll be patient one hundred percent of the time (I think yes)?
You see, I want to live my life to my manifesto but not if I keep thinking I’m a big, fat, fucking fraud. Look at some of the other words: ‘keep communicating even when low on energy’. This is a tough one for me because sometimes when I’m low on energy I can’t be any of the words above, let alone communicate but it’s something I reeeeeally want to be able to do. I think the solution is to leave them on, put it up on my office wall in a gorgeous frame and during the times I’m feeling impatient or low on energy and wanting to tell the world to fark off, close my eyes, picture my manifesto, take three deep breaths and start again. Or, if that fails, eat chocolate. Or ‘take 5 minutes’.
As a footnote, this course really took me out of my comfort zone. I spent years not really being particularly self-aware; meandering along, getting married, divorced, getting drunk a lot, meeting Anth, having children… The trigger for me to understand more about myself was having children and I’ve blogged about that before, but it asks you questions that you never really would ask of yourself. And you have to be very honest and authentic and you can because you don’t have to share it with anyone.
I think I’m being honest and authentic and I’ve been courageous by sharing it with you (go me). Does anyone else think they’re a bit of a fraud sometimes?