Am I a fraud?

Last night I finally finished the Finding Your Direction eCourse I’ve mentioned previously. One of the exercises I did was create a montage of my personal manifesto (philosophy), taking into account my vision for the future. It was fun and creative but I found myself feeling increasingly uneasy as it’s definitely how I WANT to live but it’s not HOW I live all of the time now. The rational side of me says “well of course not, life gets in the way” but the irrational side of me says “you’re a big, fat, fucking fraud Beavan”. Ouch.

So, what do I mean? Well, one of the things I wrote was ‘be patient’. Excuse me? I am anything but patient when it comes to the boys’ bedtime and their procrastination – you know, every night. I’m anything but patient with the body corporate shenanigans going on at the moment. Late yesterday afternoon I decided to drive to the beach so I could take some photos and convinced Mitch to come with me. Well, he proceeded to jump in front of the camera when I was trying to take photos. Guess what? NOT PATIENT. So, do I take it off the manifesto or do I leave it on in the hope that I can be more patient – something to aim for? Will I be able to achieve this? Are you impatient with those you love the most because you (think) you can be? Am I being unrealistic to think I’ll be patient one hundred percent of the time (I think yes)?

You see, I want to live my life to my manifesto but not if I keep thinking I’m a big, fat, fucking fraud. Look at some of the other words: ‘keep communicating even when low on energy’. This is a tough one for me because sometimes when I’m low on energy I can’t be any of the words above, let alone communicate but it’s something I reeeeeally want to be able to do.  I think the solution is to leave them on, put it up on my office wall in a gorgeous frame and during the times I’m feeling impatient or low on energy and wanting to tell the world to fark off, close my eyes, picture my manifesto, take three deep breaths and start again. Or, if that fails, eat chocolate. Or ‘take 5 minutes’.

As a footnote, this course really took me out of my comfort zone. I spent years not really being particularly self-aware; meandering along, getting married, divorced, getting drunk a lot, meeting Anth, having children… The trigger for me to understand more about myself was having children and I’ve blogged about that before, but it asks you questions that you never really would ask of yourself. And you have to be very honest and authentic and you can because you don’t have to share it with anyone.

I think I’m being honest and authentic and I’ve been courageous by sharing it with you (go me). Does anyone else think they’re a bit of a fraud sometimes?

This is one of the photos I took yesterday – Brighton Beach bathing boxes

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15 Responses to Am I a fraud?

  1. you are bloody coragious Lisa! Will give you my book and hopefully you will also see that the gap just doesnt need to be that big! there will always be a bit of a gap! i think you should take up photography also! that helps with patience! well done on the course….keep blogging! still full of flu and feel extremely crappy!

  2. Lisa says:

    Thanks Shannah – I feel a bit nervous hitting publish sometimes! I look forward to reading your book and hope you feel better soon. xx

  3. God YES. Constantly. Chin up, you’re doing great xxx

    • Lisa says:

      Thanks Michaela. Maybe I need to write a love letter to my brain but couldn’t put it nearly as articulately as you did. x

  4. Emma Nicholl says:

    Does it go something like third time lucky?!
    Firstly – are you following me? Every time (and I mean EVERY TIME) I read your blog I check behind me to make sure you’re not following me and writing this about me and just pretending it’s all about you!

    Fraud? You? Maybe.

    Me? A Fraud? Definitely. But I think it’s all a matter of perception.

    I can remember receiving one of those emails. You know the ones. Where you have to reply in one word to the sender and then send it on to people and get them to say one word about you. That’s right, the type of email you get and delete straight away. But this one intrigued me. It didn’t promise me anything. Wasn’t going to strike me dead or cure all incurable illnesses. Wasn’t going to make my phone ring in 5 minutes. Instead it was going to tell me the one word my friends would insist was put upon my tombstone.

    So I replied (“generous heart” – I know 2 words but generous didn’t quite cut it) and sent it out. And it obviously intrigued others as I got a number of replies, and I was surprised. Actually surprised is an understatment, I was GUTTED!

    Over half of my replies said ‘organised’.

    WTF?

    ORGANISED!

    Really?
    That’s what you’d insist was on my headstone? Immortalising me. I could even hear it….”She was so organised”. It made me cry. And the worse thing was I didn’t even think I was organised. So not only was I shocked but I was also a complete FRAUD.

    I try to be organised. I think it helps me feel far less overwhelmed by my day, week, month. I am way more organised in some facets of my life than others. The boring stuff I leave until it builds up and overwhelms me so I hide and it builds and it overwhelms. Until I crack it, get it sorted to a manageable level and so it continues. Can I break the cycle? I try but never seem to quite get there. Do I dream of a simpler life? Sometimes. But then I actually imagine that reality and it doesn’t seem all that. Grass is greener and all that.

    Through all of this somehow I seem to come across as organised and I’m not quite sure how. So does that make me a Fraud? Do I even want/need to be organised, need/want people to think that of me or am I just applying a label and self-pressure?

    There is only one F word I would like on my tombstone.
    Friend.

    Lisa, you are very courageous. Thank you for being my friend and making me step out of my comfort zone (and type this three times!).

    Em x

    • Lisa says:

      Oh no – ORGANISED!!! Ouch, ouch, ouch. That’s nearly as bad as ‘nice’. I remember playing a game with friends either in my late teens or early 20s and you had to answer a question (in your head) and the rest of the players had to have the answers in their heads also. The question went something like this: If a friend needed you to babysit their kids on a Saturday night and you had planned a quiet night in, would you babysit?” I said yes. ALL OF THEM SAID NO. I’m still cut up about it. Yes I am Niki Totton.

      So yep, while some would see me as patient, the truth is, I’m an impatient old mole. There, I said it. But we can aspire can’t we?

      Thanks for your last paragraph Em. And thanks for attempting to comment 3 times because you’re so disorganised you couldn’t do it right the first two! xxxxx

      • Emma Nicholl says:

        Isn’t it strange the stuff that strikes a chord and influences us going through the rest of our lives. The power of the spoken / written word. Maybe I should remember that when speaking to my children. Retrospectively I know that the people writing ‘Organised’ obviously thought that that was something to aspire to. (?)

        I think I will now aspire to having “Not a BFFF, or not that we knew or cared” on my headstone. Friends whatever.

        P.s. I love ‘Mole’, it is my new favourite word!

      • Emma Nicholl says:

        Oh, and I’d have said “yes”!

      • Lisa says:

        Yes, mole is up there with the word hack. Love those words. You know, I can barely remember a day ago but I remember being completely shattered that my friends thought I wouldn’t babysit their kids in a game we played about 25 years ago! I’m still sulking. And I’ve just stolen your headstone idea…

  5. Don’t worry, I am certain the one word for me would be bogan.

    And Em, even though you may not like the word “organised” too me it means a hell of a lot more than just a lame alternative to “nice”. Whenever I feel stressed out to the max i will pop into your kitchen. Not to get a beer (because God knows you won’t have one) but because just walking into your pantry lowers my blood pressure instantaneously.

    Having said that, I would’ve said “friend” for you.

    Lisa I am a late comer to your blog but I have been trawling through it today and I love it. Love love love.

    Nice work, ya mole.

    • Lisa says:

      Is her chocolate lined up in order of height? I have to agree, she’s a good chick that Emma – wish I had a gate to her house/pantry. Thanks for your comments re my blog – I’m having so much fun completely oversharing…ya bogan. x

  6. Niki says:

    Let it go old mole. At least we didn’t call you organised. And the question; for the record was (because this is important) if you were really tired and a friend asked you to baby sit their children what would you say. Some 25 years on and my answer would still be No. And I think it is because you are able to Say No, which actually makes you entirely genuine and not a fraud at all.

    • Lisa says:

      I may have to let it go Nik and accept the fact that when I’m tired, I’m just no good for anyone. Sob. Feeling good today though, so ask me anything! xx

  7. smoothpebble says:

    you have some great readers here lisa, with some very wise words. maybe you could add to your manifesto “be compassionate to myself” and “let go of perfection” your manifesto is very laudable, but it’s pretty huge too – baby steps, celebrate the victories, enjoy the journey and the practice, set aside gigantic expectations. you are not a fraud! but i know exactly what you are talking about because i don’t call myself a fucking fraud, but i do accuse myself frequently of being full of bull shit. basically it’s the same thing – acknowledging what you want to be, but recognizing the gap – as your readers said above. those times i say or type something, but my behavior is the complete opposite. but i’ve learned to pay attention to those times too because it usually means i need to change something. ahhhh, i could go on and on………..

    • Lisa says:

      Thanks for coming by Jackie. You know, I didn’t think about the size of it, but it is pretty huge. The patience thing I’ve been lacking for a long time. I think I am less patient with those I love the most. I really don’t like this but you’re dead right, I need to change things to be more patient but it’s definitely a work in progress.

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