I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I have a tendency towards melancholy. Melancholy is described as a deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness. So when I say tendency toward, I don’t mean I’m constantly sad or even sometimes sad, but I think pensive nails it. I’m a thinker (but not always that deep – I do love a bit of footy and trash tele!) and I have this sense that I’m striving toward something but I’m not sure what. It’s not happiness because it’s not really something I see as tangible to strive for…to reach…but there’s this something.
I’m always thinking my life could be ‘more’. But more of what? I’m well versed in the benefits of expressing and feeling gratitude. I do my share of voluntary work. I love supporting my clients. I have the most amazing friends and of course a great partner and healthy kids. But still…
Sometimes the weight of responsibility drags me down. When I reflect on a time when I was at my ‘lightest’ it was around about the time I met Anth. I think that’s why we hit it off so well. I was in a really good space and we had a lot of fun. The fun isn’t there as much now and I feel for him – he must wish that fun person he first met would come back.
I think the fact I baulk at responsibility and commitment makes me over-compensate and I act too responsible and it weighs me down. I equate responsibility with no fun. I’m sure some people thrive on it, it’s their lightness, but not for me. It makes me cranky.
So what to do? I don’t know. It’s not the done thing for a woman to leave her family and go live a life of her own! But I’ve thought about it as I’m sure some others have. There’s times when I’m screaming so hard in my own head, it’s a wonder you can’t hear it. I fight myself, I berate myself, I hate myself for feeling this way and sometimes I just don’t want to face the world and all its complexity.
But I do. And when I make those lovely connections with others and when I do that last check of my kids before I go to bed and their faces are so peaceful I just want to eat them, I’m energised just that little bit to do it all again. That’s when I feel a touch of lightness.