Being broken

There are days where I’m perfectly fine, normal and can conquer the world. And then there is yesterday. I was broken by the end of yesterday. So broken. I can’t think, I can’t handle the whinging, the noise, recalcitrant kids and the coup d’état of “you hate us” breaks me even more. I don’t hate them, of course I don’t. But I hate their behaviour and most of all I hate my reaction to their behaviour. I started crying and pleading with them to just STOP for 20 minutes. Please. Just. Stop. They look at me and start laughing. What is that?

I demand they read a book but they really don’t like reading. Part of it is they’re always egging each other on; wrestling and jumping on each other – not silently of course. And then it ends in tears, always the smallest one’s. So I ask them to separate and keep reading but one will always annoy the other and it starts again. After ten minutes… “muuuum, it’s been 20 minutes”. No it fucking hasn’t. And then I just can’t. Because I’m breaking.

They go outside until the inevitable happens and the ball goes over the fence (always on the side of the most rotten of neighbours) or one of them flies so hard off his scooter it’s tears and no amount of cajoling will get him back on for the day.

So back inside and cartoons. Except it’s Spongebob Squarepants and that breaks me even more. I detest that cartoon more than any other. I turn it off to howls of protests. But I just can’t.

By now I’m sick of me and in such pain inside. I’m confused and stuck and can’t even summon enough energy to go to my running group, which would be so good for me. The wind had died down, the rain had passed and there was a calm period which would have been perfect for a hard running session. But I just couldn’t.

Yesterday was a failure in every way. Except the spaghetti bog I made, that was awesome.

Today is a new day.

This entry was posted in Kids, Motherhood, Parenting and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Being broken

  1. Are you sure you don’t have a camera in my house. Gah, the wrestling and jumping on each other does my nut! You are doing a great job. Stop being hard on yourself x

  2. pol says:

    I have been there too Lis, thinking of you. xx

    • Lisa B says:

      Thanks Miss Pol. Aren’t boys ace. But I did read a day or so ago that wind can make kids a bit crazy. The wind was extraordinary that day so I blame it. xx

  3. shannah says:

    Lisa, no one said it was easy, it is friggin tough being a mum….we all need to reset each day….hang in there and when you want to scream come over for a cuppa!

  4. Krystle_Sky says:

    I fear you may have given me an insight to my future 😦 Hope today is a better day! And tomorrow for that matter.

    • Lisa B says:

      Oops, sorry about that! But yep, having boys is an experience of the rough and tumble and very little harmony. Until they go to bed. Feeling much better thanks.

  5. jackiekatsianas says:

    Oh, aren’t they awful, those days. You know the only slightly good thing about them? You very rarely have two in a row.
    That’s what I remind myself on days like this.

    • Lisa B says:

      Very true. It was a school strike day and thankfully they went to school the next day. Bottom line is that they need to get their sillies out and when the weather doesn’t come to the party, look out!

  6. ally says:

    Lisa you have eloquently articulated my thoughts and feelings exactly! Only problem is I do have those days lined up in a row – it’s called school FUCKING holidays and I hate them! I’ve got me a plan now though – after our incredible retreat I have time for me early every morning with a beach walk, qi gong, meditation and swim, feels like I’m cramming but it’s the only time I can make it happen. I have to get up before they (the kids) wake up, I despise waking up to being needed, actually being woken up by them full stop (and their fighting) shits me! My next plan is to have regular massages, I’ve booked in with Sue (from retreat) and went to my GP and got a referral for a psychologist. I always find it much better to pay someone to listen to me – I can really dump it all then, instead of the bullshit version I usually spin to friends and family so as not to worry them, fuck that! It’s time for me and to put my needs first. MUMS UNITE. STAND UP. repeat after me – I MATTER. I AM IMPORTANT. I. COME. FIRST.

    • Lisa B says:

      Oh gawd, the school holidays. We have 6 or so weeks coming up and cos Anth has just taken the 3 weeks off, he’s not having any time off. I’m starting to hyperventilate!!! On a serious note, I absolutely LOVE what you’ve done in the short time since the retreat. You are lucky to have such a beautiful setting to walk in the morning. I really think you should start a blog or something so we can keep up to date with what’s going on with you – I’m happy to set it up for you 🙂 I don’t think I’ll ever forget your dancing! Please keep in touch xx

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